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The Name Behind the News |
November 8, 2020
Edition 13: Biden His Time
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Trump wins again! Earlier today, the final voters left the polls and returned home. As the day comes to a close, President Donald Trump once again looks victorious. By holding onto the "Blue Wall" of Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania, it looks like we're in for another four years of making America great. |
Biden Has an All-Time Comeback! The United States of America has a new President Elect and his name is Joe! Mail-in ballots were counted last in many states and were overwhelmingly blue. Although the state committees have not officially certified the outcomes yet, all major news sources have called major swing states like Michigan, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Arizona, Nevada, and (maybe) Georgia for the Democrat. Donny, it's time to pack your bags, throw a tantrum on Twitter, and leave this country alone!
Well, I should probably stop writing my intro paragraphs during the week and just save them until Sunday. As promised, this week will be all about politics and the election. With the most important news week in four years behind us, let's dive in!
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Estimated 66.4-72.1%, ↑ 7.2-12.9% since 2016. It is also the highest voter turnout percentage since 1900.
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Number of Female Vice Presidents |
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Old White Male Presidents |
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44, ↑ 1 since yesterday.
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Biden's Popular Vote Margin of Victory |
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Size of the President Elect's Hands |
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7.65 inches, ↑ 73% from Trump... probably.
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Though the outcome of this election portends sunny skies, Richmond will unfortunately have quite a bit of rain this week. Hope you spent some time outdoors this weekend. |
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Biden's Ballgame: Amid unfounded controversy, Biden surpassed the 270 electoral votes necessary for Presidential election. Major cities across the US celebrated in the hours that followed. When asked about the celebrations, lame duck President Trump asked, "How did these celebrations magically appear? Yesterday there weren't any celebrations and now there are a bunch of celebrations? If you count only the legal celebrations then I'd be the only one getting celebrated." |
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Kamala's Kismet: The Vice President Elect broke barriers yesterday, becoming the first female, Black, and South Asian to hold the position. While her diversity should be celebrated, I think Joe chose her for the ticket because she has a Jewish husband. Finally, we have an Executive Branch with the ability to control the weather. |
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Trump's Tweets: As of Sunday at 11am, 12 of Trump's last 15 tweets were marked as "misleading" or "disputed" and several were written in all caps. The current President continues to dispute the election results with baseless claims of voter fraud. Anderson Cooper summed Trump up nicely by explaining that he looks "like an obese turtle on his back, flailing in the hot sun, realizing his time is over." |
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SPONSORED BY I F*CKING VOTED STICKERS™
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Make Voting Exciting Again! |
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Did you vote this year? Were you given a plain, boring "I Voted Sticker" for your troubles? This year, spice up your post-polling wardrobe with I F*cking Voted Stickers. Show your friends, family, and total strangers that you applied your civic duty by casting your ballot! Check out some of our products: |
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Referendums on marijuana legalization in four states - Arizona, Montana, New Jersey, and South Dakota - gathered joint support from democrats and republicans as votes rolled in. For years, illegal weed sales have put a strain on the economy and a been a chronic state issue. Now, proponents of legalization can dab in celebration after grinding out the necessary voter turnout to hit their target vote count.
It seems that the high voter turnout was due in large part to folks bringing their buds with them to the polls. For states that have yet to legalize, the grass certainly seems greener on the other side, with clear economic and socio-political benefits. Pro-weed advocates should thank legislators who spent many tiring, red-eyed nights to hash out the legislation necessary to get this choice on the ballot and bowl over opponents.
Yes, I used 13 weed puns in the two paragraphs above. I was going to let you figure that out yourselves, but I'd rather just be blunt.
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Mysteries of Richmond - The Magic Votes for Joe
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We have another segment of Mysteries of Richmond, and today's mystery is a real head scratcher. Let me paint you a word picture.
It was Friday. A cool, early-November evening in Virginia's capital city. As I wandered downtown with thoughts of the ongoing election, the streets were still and silent. I felt pulled, for some unknown reason, to Richmond's historic Main Street train station. The clock tower's light burned softly, and I transiently made my way through the Gothic entry vestibule. Inside, it was even more silent than before. I walked to the boarding platforms and felt a wave of tiredness wash over me. In an attempt to steady myself, I put my hand on a column between platforms 9 and 10. Rather than supporting my weight, the column simply dematerialized, and I fell through! A new train station emerged, with hundreds of bustling men, women, and children wearing pointed hats and robes. I watched as a train full of children pulled out of the station, while their witch and wizard parents waved them goodbye. I turned around to find a sea of postal trains filled with glowing envelopes. I surreptitiously grabbed one and opened it. To my amazement, it was filled with a magical U.S. election ballot with a vote for Joe Biden. I let if fall from my hand with the horrific realization that Donald Trump was right and this election was rigged.
Okay, I may have exaggerated that story a bit. Either way, Trump is claiming that a bunch of votes for Joe Biden "magically appeared," and I'd like to get to the bottom of it. I have a few theories on how these votes magically appeared:
Theory 1: Legally.
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Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.
Steve Breen for November 6, 2020
It's a one panel cartoon. We see a boxing ring with "2020" written on one of the corner posts. In the ring, Donald Trump is lying on the floor with cartoon stars circling around his head. He has a black eye and his arms are sprawled out to either side. Suffice it to say, it does not look like he's getting up.
The referee says, "...seven... eight... nine!..." and Trump, meekly, says, "Stop the count..." Get it?! Because Trump wanted to illegally suppress voters so he could win the election! Nothing like the Sunday funnies.
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I'm Scott, and this is Scott's Edition. Have a great start to the week!
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