December 6, 2020

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December 6, 2020

Edition 15: Holidays and Hoops

Welcome back! It's been a couple weeks since I last delivered you the news you deserve, and I apologize. In today's world of fake news and partisan reporting, I think you deserve a trusted publication. And that would be the Associated Press. For everything else, there's Scott's Edition. Without further ado, let's dive into this week's news!

Days Until Christmas

19, ↓ 7 since last week.

Days Until Hanukkah

4

Richmond Men's Basketball Record

2-0

# of Female Power 5 Conference Football Players

1, ↑ 1 since two weeks ago.

# of Approved COVID Vaccines in the U.S.

0... but hopefully not for long.

In Richmond, we'll see snow tomorrow and then highs in the 60s by next weekend. It's amazing that Katy Perry predicted this weather all the way back in 2008.

A Black man, a philanderer, and a Texan walk into a hospital. This isn't the start of a tasteless joke. Obama, Clinton, and W. have all agreed to publicly receive the COVID vaccine to alleviate worries and fears associated with the treatment.

Women in Sports: Sarah Fuller, a Vanderbilt University athlete, became the first female Power 5 Conference football player last week. While male kickers receive 10 credits for their contributions to the team, Sarah will only receive 7. 

Arizona: States across the U.S. continue the process of confirming election results. This week, Arizona's vote tally joins the students of ASU in achieving the state's top marks: a certification.

The swamped, sweaty bars of yesteryear are something of the past, and soon it'll be too snowy for separated outdoor swigging. Don't be scared, because Scott's Safe Sips has a solution. Bars stocked with our Safe Sip Separators™ are sure to satisfy as servers supply the suds. Simply sit and suck the straw to sweeten your Saturday selebrations! Summon your Separator straightaway!

We here at Scott's Edition promote diversity, religious tolerance, and gender equality. We also believe that the best way to promote these ideals is through increased awareness and education. As such, we'll be doing a deep dive into various religious holidays and traditions over the next few weeks. Today, let's start with Hanukkah, the "Festival of Lights."

Chanukah, the annual eight day celebration that can be spelled 16 different ways, is just around the corner. While most folks know the chosen people celebrate this holiday by lighting an additional candle each night for eight nights, the general public is largely unaware of the factual story behind this tradition.



The story starts as the Seleucid Empire of Western Asia mounts an attack on the Ptolemaic Empire of modern day Egypt. To do so, the Seleucids cross through and occupy Israel. The invading army forces the Israeli Jews to pay taxes and quarter soldiers in their homes. The Jews respond by dumping tea in the Mediterranean Harbor.



As time goes on, the Jews begin to arm themselves under the leadership of rapper Matisyahu's son, Judah the Maccabee. After years of war and bloodshed on both sides, the Jews reclaim their holy temple in Judea and are victorious in fending off the Seleucid army. To rededicate the temple, the Maccabees need to light a menorah for eight days but only have enough oil to last for one. However, the menorah burns for eight days! "It's a miracle!" exclaims Judah, as he hides an empty gallon of kerosene behind his back.



Today, few people remember the accomplishments of the Maccabee army. Instead, Jewish children, jealous of their Christian friends on Christmas, have demanded eight days of presents. And if presents aren't the best way to celebrate death and war, I don't know what is.



Happy Xanuka, y'all (yeah, that's one of the 16 spellings).

As of November 25, college hoops is back! Scott's Edition is a Richmond-based newsletter, so of course we support the Richmond Spiders who are off to a roaring 2-0 record. Last week, they secured the program's first ever win over a top-10 ranked team in the Kentucky Wildcats. We'll keep up with the Spiders throughout the year, but today I'd like to preview the upcoming season, starting with the most prestigious of all conferences: the Ivy League.



After deciding to cancel all winter sports, the Ivy League Men's Basketball title is up for grabs. Here are our rankings:

1. Harvard. Last season's second leading scorer, Noah Kirkwood, has been working on his jump shot and his castling. That's right, he's joined the chess club and is looking for a win on opening knight.
2. Yale. Though the bulldogs don't make as many baskets as other schools on this list, the referees have agreed to inflate their points this season.
3. Brown. We believe that Brown will pass more games than it fails this season.
4. Princeton. The team has been bulking up in the offseason at the University's Eating Clubs.
5. Dartmouth. I'm not sure how to make fun of Dartmouth. Maybe something about New Hampshire and maple syrup? I'm not sure that joke will stick.
6. Penn. WE ARE! Not Penn State. This team won't be winning any fictitious games this year.
7. Columbia. It's rumored that this New York City college may play an exhibition match against the Knicks. If that happens, they'll have at least one guaranteed win.
8. Cornell. "Oh right," you say while reading this, "I forgot that Cornell is an Ivy League school."
   

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.



Wizard of Id Classics by Parker and Hart for December 5, 2020



In Panel 1, we see two doctors approaching Sir Rodney, the knight. One doctor gestures toward the other and says, "I'd like you to meet my my new associate, Doctor Cleaver... He's a specialist."



In Panel 2, Sir Rodney responds by asking, "What is your specialty, doc?"



In Panel 3, Doctor Cleaver replies, "Putting." 



See, the joke here is that Sir Rodney expected Doctor Cleaver to be a specialist in a medical field. You know, because he's a doctor. But instead, Doctor Cleaver is actually just really good at one aspect of golf! That's some classic comic strip misdirection for you!

Thanks for reading! And a Happy Birthday to Max O!

 

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I'm Scott, and this is Scott's Edition. Have a great start to the week!