November 15, 2020

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November 15, 2020

Edition 14: Sports in the Time of COVID

Beware the Ides of November! I went down a rabbit hole after writing that and discovered that the Ides of November are actually on the 13th. I'd explain more, but that's a pretty boring way to start this newsletter. Here's Wikipedia if you're interested. Anyway, big news this week: I signed up for the Twitter! If you pretend to like my long-form writing once a week, I'm sure you can pretend to like 280 characters every few days. With that, let's dive into this week's news!

Days Until Thanksgiving

11

Days Until We Start Hearing Christmas Music Everywhere

11

# of Scott's Edition Subscribers

57, just like Heinz.

Anheuser-Busch Stock Price

66.36, ↑ 2.01%

Number of Stats Prior to This One

4

Break out your scuba suits because there's a river flood warning in Richmond. Several parking lots and hiking trails are completely submerged, and it's still raining. Not even a new pair of Umbrella Shoes could keep you dry!

Meatless: McDonalds announced it will start selling a plant-based burger. The Hamburgler is on record stating he will not attempt to steal these meatless patties.

Locked Out: The State Department is preventing Biden from accessing messages from world leaders. The President Elect is reportedly standing in between Trump and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo as they toss his phone back and forth saying, "Can't get it, can't get it."

Legalize It: After voting to legalize recreational marijuana last week, NJ, VT, AZ, MT, and SD are working to implement the necessary legislation. "It's about time," said the one person living in South Dakota. "Our most famous attraction, Mount Rushmore, features four of the most famous stoners in history." We did some research to confirm this and found some surprising quotes from these Presidents.

• "I want to smoke under my own vine and fig tree." -George "Chopping Trees" Washington
  
• "Some of my finest moments have been spent on my back veranda, smoking hemp, and observing as far as my eye can see." -Thomas "That's a Real Quote" Jefferson
• "Speak softly, but carry a fat blunt." -Teddy "Smoked so Much His Grandson Got Polio" Roosevelt
  
• "It helps with my headaches." -Abraham Lincoln
  

The days of heading to a crowded bar, meeting a complete stranger, staggering out of the bar as the lights come on and the DJ plays "Closing Time" by Semisonic, calling an Uber, and heading back to your place with that stranger might seem like they're over because of this nightmare of a global pandemic, but Pandemic Proof Pillows is allowing you to keep the good times going. All... night... long.



If you're single, yet still a responsible adult who's doing their part to stay safe by wearing a mask and social distancing, PPP has the solution. Bring that special someone home and then use the Pandemic Proof Pillow's built-in plastic wrap dispenser to cover up that germ-filled face of yours. Buy one today and get your second, absolutely free! 



Don't fret about whether or not the stranger sharing your bed has COVID-19. With the Pandemic Proof Pillow, you'll sleep sound and, more importantly, safe!

Photo Credit: Andy Lyons / Getty

While the recent spike in coronavirus cases has ravaged impoverished communities and could be responsible for 2,000 deaths per day by mid-January, I think it's important we talk about the impact on professional athletes who get paid millions of dollars to move a ball from one spot to another. Well, them plus the college athletes playing those same sports for no money. What an equitable world we live in!



Ben Roethlisberger, the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, was placed on a COVID watchlist earlier in the week because of close contact with another player who tested positive. However, Big Ben was cleared to play today, proving that neither a global pandemic nor compelling sexual assault allegations can keep him off the field. Here we go, Steelers!



The Ivy League announced they'd be canceling all winter sports, becoming the first major conference to do so. The eight schools will reportedly make up the lost revenue through a series of car washes and bakes sales.



Daniel Jones will continue to start as the Giants quarterback despite a 5-16 career record. I realize this doesn't have anything to do with COVID, but thought it was a good joke nonetheless.

It’ been awhile since my last sandwich review. I eat a lot of sandwiches, but rarely have the self-control to stage a photoshoot and reflect on the essence of the sandwich before devouring it. However, last weekend the stars aligned and I was able to soberly assess one of my new favorite sandwiches in Richmond: the “Businessman” by the Cocky Rooster.



The Cocky Rooster is a new take-out only chicken wing joint in the heart of The Fan that specializes in quality boneless and bone-in wings with a variety of house-made sauces and dry-rubs. Their sole sandwich offering is called “The Businessman” and boy, it sure lives up to its name.



Why is it called “The Businessman”? Because this sandwich ain’t f***** around. This sandwich is a clean, no-nonsense example of fried chicken, sauce, and bread. True, these are common elements of a sandwich, but they didn’t put this on the menu because The Cocky Rooster is a sandwich shop. They put this on the menu because the owners hired a consultant who told them, “If you’re going to succeed in Richmond, you need a god damn sandwich on the menu.” Hence the product… and its name.



Enough history. Let’s get to the sandwich. And man is it good. Let’s start with the bread. Yeah, yeah, it’s a wing shop, but without the buttery blanket of crispy Texas toast, this sandwich review wouldn’t have graced the idyllic pages of Scott’s Edition. Measuring in at a burly 0.91575” thick (that’s 2.326 cm for you international readers), each slice is literally a huge part of what makes this sandwich special. But, DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE CHICKEN TENDERS! Completely customizable, you can order The Businessman with their full gambit of sauces and dry rubs smothering either chicken tenders or their vegetarian analogue. I tried it with the “Liquid Gold” sauce over their standard chicken tender offering with provolone and pickles. This honey mustard-based sauce is a perfect match for the buttery toast and sweet and salty crunch of the pickles. While I’ve sampled other sauce options in the past, the Liquid Gold reigns supreme. The nine-dollar price tag also provides a perfectly matched side of crispy, peppered fries and chilled ranch. Rest assured; I have made The Cocky Rooster a staple of my take-out regime.

Trying something new this week. My friend Sam Katz and I worked up a little comic, but can't figure out what the punchline should be. Take a look, and submit your funniest text and/or edits. We'll showcase some of these in the Edition after Thanksgiving!



Submit here!

Thanks for reading! I'll be off next Sunday, but I'll have a special Thanksgiving Edition for you. 

Happy belated birthday to Luana P. and happy early birthday to Sean R!

 

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I'm Scott, and this is Scott's Edition. Have a great start to the week!