January 17, 2021

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January 17, 2021

Edition 21: End of an Era

Welcome, welcome, welcome! I'm John Oliver, and this is Last Week Tonight! For those wondering if I plagiarize my intro paragraphs, I adamantly deny those allegations.



Somehow, a week in which the US President was impeached is a slower news week than the last one. What a time to be alive. With that, let's dive into this week's news!

Number of Arrests from the Capitol Insurrection

At least 100, ↑ 43 from last week.

Days Until Trump is Out of Office

2

Richmond Men's Basketball Record

9-3

The State of Virginia Men's Basketball Record

102-70... yeah, I counted.

World's Richest Person

Jeff Bezos... but it's been a hell of a week for Elon.

In Richmond, we're in for a couple of days of hail storms and then some blistering 95 degree days. That's not true, of course, so for all of you who normally rely on a two-sentence weather description in a satirical newsletter to plan out your week, I'd recommend downloading the Weather app instead.

COVID Spirals: As people continue to selfishly ignore the needs of their fellow citizens, the pandemic has spiraled out of control. During World War II, Americans were asked to sacrifice by going overseas, taking gunfire, and sleeping in abandoned buildings. Today, the government is asking us to sit on our couches while telling your phone to deliver you any type of food imaginable. So, yeah, it's a toss up which one is worse.

Urban is Back: In 2019, Urban Meyer retired as the Ohio State football coach and stated that he'd never coach again. This week, the Jacksonville Jaguars announced that Meyer would become their next Head Coach. Coach Meyer explained, "What I meant is that I'd never coach a winning team again."

End of an Era: This is the final Scott's Edition during the Trump presidency. What the f**k am I going to write about next week?!

Hi, I'm Scott Levine and I'm here to introduce the Scott's Pillow! Made right here in the US of A, each of these pillows is hand stitched to ensure your nightmares are left on the pillow instead of in your dreams! I guarantee the best night's sleep you've ever had, knowing that you didn't buy a pillow from a guy trying to get the President to institute martial law in his final days in office.



Buy a set today, and we'll donate one to a member of the National Guard who now has to sleep on the floor of the U.S. Capitol!

As everyone knows, our life choices are predetermined by a group of immortal angels. Like most of the writers in Hollywood, these angels are clearly millennials. Scott's Edition sat in on their pre-2021 brainstorming session and, at the time, I thought they were messing with me. Let's check it out.



Fedora-Wearing Angel: Okay everyone. Settle down, and let's get started. Last year's programming received some of the most impassioned reviews we've ever had, so give yourselves a pat on the back. For 2021, I'm thinking we can take a step back. Give the world a happy plot for a year to draw them back in. Then, we can hit em hard again in 2022 with one of the other 10 plagues. Maybe boils?



Always-In-Sweatpants Angel: Nah man. We've gotta up the drama! Do something no one would ever expect. Like, have North Korea bomb the moon or expose Vladimir Putin and Eli Manning's love affair or, I don't know, have the My Pillow guy start advising Trump.



Fedora: Okay, well those are all extremely far-fetched. What else ya got?



Overweight-And-In-Birkenstocks Angel: Uh, we could make the vaccine rollout go really smoothly?



Entire Room: No!



Sweatpants: Let's have the Americans attack their own Capitol.



Fedora: That's an interesting idea. So, a bunch of them try to attack the Capitol. The police shoot them and then they sort of give up? I like it.



Sweatpants: No, no, no. A bunch of them try to attack the Capitol. There aren't enough police to do anything about it. And the police don't shoot any of the attackers because they're all White!... And then we get the My Pillow guy to advise Trump.



Fedora: Alright, enough with the My Pillow guy. Why would that ever happen? What else?



Birkenstocks: Uh, we could at least make the week leading up to the US inauguration peaceful?



Entire Room: *laughs*



Fedora: I think we have enough here. The coronavirus spins out of control, there's an attack on the Capitol, and unrest prior to the inauguration. Great. Anthony, would you finalize the January, Part 1 script, please.

Sweatpants: You got it, boss. *Scribbles "My Pillow guy advises Trump" on script.*

Below is an image of "The Strip," in Tuscaloosa, AL. This photo was taken just 6 days ago, after the Crimson Tide won the College Football National Championship. Where's Waldo?

Answer below

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.



Pickles by Brian Crane for January 15, 2021

In the first panel, we see eight year old Nelson sitting on the front stoop talking to his grandfather. Grandpa says, "You're not just my only grandson, Nelson. You're also my heir."



In panel two, Nelson looks confused as he responds, "I'm your air?"

The third panel zooms in on Grandpa who clarifies, "No, you're my heir, with an 'H.'"



In the final panel, Nelson is still confused as he questions, "I'm your hair?" Grandpa then looks off into the distance as he says, "Forget it, I was going to change my will anyway."



Hahaha. Aren't kids dumb?! 

Where's Waldo Answer:

He's at the hospital with COVID!

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I'm Scott, and this is Scott's Edition. Have a great start to the week!