January 24, 2021

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January 24, 2021

Edition 22: Transition

We Have a New President! He's very old, stumbles over his words frequently, and isn't all that inspiring. If that doesn't sound like a step up from the other guy, then I don't know what is!



Before we start the newsletter, I'd like to give a big shoutout and congratulations to my good buddies Aaron and Bridget on their engagement! Now that I've supported you Aaron, will you finally admit that your name is just a selfish way for parents to ensure their kid is first in line for everything? Thanks.



With that, let's dive into this week's news!

# of Vaccine Doses Administered in the U.S.

20.5 million

# of Days We Are Guaranteed a Trumpless Presidency

1,457

Richmond Men's Basketball Record

9-4

# of Executive Orders Signed by Biden in His First 3 Days

30

# of State Farm Commercials with Chris Paul

44

In Richmond, we'll see temps from 21 to 55 degrees this week. How are we supposed to plan for that?!? By staying home like we have been for months?!?! Yeah that sounds good, actually.

Nestle Recall: This week, Nestle recalled nearly 800,000 pounds of pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets because they “may be contaminated with extraneous materials, specifically pieces of glass and hard plastic.” A Nestle spokeswoman addressed reporters, explaining, "This is an embarrassment for our brand. Hot Pockets are not supposed to contain glass."

Early Bird: At 78 years old, President Biden knows a thing or two about early bird specials, and man has he shown up early! The new President has already signed 30 Executive Orders. After stealing some sugar packets, Biden will nap for the rest of his Presidency.

Hazing Traditions: Traditionally, the outgoing President's children haze the incoming children. Don Jr. couldn't quite figure out the logistics of hazing Hunter Biden on Wednesday and ended up giving Eric Trump a wedgie instead.

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Ever since Ronald Regan began the tradition in 1989, outgoing Presidents have left letters to their replacements offering congratulations and support. Former President Trump continued the tradition this week, leaving a letter for Biden in the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. Though no major news outlet was able to see a copy of the note, the Scott's Edition insiders were able to snag one. Here's the full text:

Dear Joey,

Hello, Joey. My name is Donald. I know you moved to town this week and that is scary. New places are scary. I hope that we can be friends. My Mom says you can come over for a playdate today if you want to. She bought a whole box of Gushers for us to eat.

I'm really good at Mario Kart and I think we should play that together. I play as Peach because I think she's really pretty, and I think it's cool the game has girl drivers. You can choose your character.



There are a lot of people that are really mad right now. I think it's cause of stuff I said. But seriously my friend Mike made me say it. He said he'd tell my friend Stormy that I like her if I didn't say that stuff. And I don't even like her that much! Mike is a bully sometimes.



There are some really good hiding places in the West Wing for when you play hide-n-seek. I like to hide in the kitchen, under my desk, or behind comments I make on Twitter.



I know you will do a really good job as President. I voted for you even though Mike told me not to! Please ask your Mom to talk to my Mom about a playdate so we can play Mario Kart. 



Your friend, Donny.

I didn't want to make one of these Bernie memes, but seeing as every celebrity and brand has jumped on the bandwagon, I felt obligated. Without futher ado, I give you... Bernieng Man.

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.



The Flying McCoys by Glenn McCoy and Gary McCoy for January 24, 2021

This is a single panel cartoon that I'm going to describe, in detail, from left to right. We start with a sign that has been nailed to a pole. There is an image of a gazelle drawn on the sign with the word, "LOST" above it. Below the image, it says, "IF FOUND, CALL 555-1212."



As we pan further right, it becomes clear that we're in the savannah. It's a dry, grassy environment with a few trees scattered about. An elephant trots happily in the distance.



We go further right and come across the first of our two main characters. He is a lion. He is looking at another lion and asks, "For crying out loud, Kenny, are you that lazy?"



Finally, we reach the rightmost portion of the comic where we find the second lion, Kenny, nailing a similar looking LOST sign to a tree. 



Oh man! Kenny's never gonna find a tasty gazelle that way! He's probably going to starve to death. The circle of life is pretty damn amusing.

Thanks for reading!


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I'm Scott, and this is Scott's Edition. Have a great start to the week!