Scott's Edition 23: GameScott

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January 31, 2021

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The Name Behind the News

January 31, 2021

Edition 23: GameScott

It's a Snow Day! At least in Richmond it is. Unfortunately, due to the new remote-work-normal, we'll never be able to enjoy one these again.

With that sad introduction, let's dive into this week's news!

Weekly Stats

# of Vaccine Doses Administered in the U.S.

29.6 million, ↑ 9.1 million since last week

# of Days We Are Guaranteed a Trumpless Presidency

1,450, ↓ 7 since last week

Richmond Men's Basketball Record

10-4

# of Former Presidents Who Have Established Their Own Office

1, ↑ 1 since last week

GameStop Stock Price

325.00, ↑ 248.21 (323%) since last week

Richmond Weather: I told you in the intro that Richmond is having a snow day today. Do you want two whole sections dedicated to the weather? Don't be greedy.

Week in Review

New Variants: This week, several new COVID-19 variants have emerged. Before climbing the viral ladder in corporate America, these variants decided to take a gap month in Brazil and South Africa. The original variant just became, like, so mainstream, ya know?

It's Electric: GM announced that it would stop selling gas-powered vehicles by 2035. The giant automaker is taking a play out of Elon Musk's playbook. The play is titled, "Lie to consumers about production targets."

Trump's Lawyers: Trump has parted ways with the lawyers set to represent him at his upcoming impeachment trial. When asked about the split, the former President explained, "I'm not worried about it. My plan is to find a group of younger, more attractive lawyers, preferably from Eastern Europe."

SPONSORED BY THE OFFICE OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT™

We're Hiring!

Start your career in beautiful Florida! After getting fired from our previous job, our team has set up shop down here in gator country. You might be wondering what the Office of the Former President actually does, and we love that you're asking some intelligent questions. Keep it up!

Our office has a ton of perks including healthcare that you can pay for yourself, free tickets to see our boss play golf each afternoon, and, uh, - hey Billy, did your Mom say you can bring the foosball table into the office? No? - and enough room for a foosball table!

Do you have what it takes to work for a made up branch of the government? Do you love humid Florida summers? Do you have a foosball table? Great! Then apply today!

The Next Stop

In an effort to save GameStop - the failing brick-and-mortar video game retailer - a group of activist amateur investors banded together to inflate GME's stock price this week. Here's a very simple video explaining how this happened. As to why this happened, I have a theory: it's because of the mems (that's the cool way to say 'memories'). The 1990s generate some powerful memories. Let me show you what I mean by highlighting GameStop's stock appeal and then a few companies that could be next.

GameStop

Overview: A failing, mega-mall shop that sells video games even though video games can be bought more easily online.

The Mems: Your Mom drops you off at the Macy's mall entrance where you meet your friends. You discuss the upcoming social studies exam as you grab a Frappuccino at Starbucks. You then wander into GameStop to check out the brand new Mario Party 2 game for the N64 and play until the 17 year old cashier kicks you out.

Bottom Line: The stock market shouldn't be based on which companies could make the most money. It should be based on the power of memories. Invest in GameStop, and let's start a revolution.

Internet Explorer

Overview: A glitchy web browser used exclusively by people who still purchase songs from iTunes.

The Mems: It's time to log onto the internet because you need to know if You've Got Mail in your AOL inbox. Pop a couple Tylenols in preparation for that headache-inducing dial-up song. Fifteen minutes later you can finally get rid of your "g2g bye" AIM away message.

Bottom Line: The internet isn't going anywhere, and we're all explorers at heart. Who cares that Chrome will get you the info you need at lighting speed. Invest in this dinosaur-of-a-company today!

Zune

Overview: A 2006 iPod competitor that is now defunct.

The Mems: Telling all your friends how the Zune is so much better than the iPod. Those idiots.

Bottom Line: You may have been wrong back then, but if GameStop's success is any indication, this device is just outdated enough to gain 300% in a week.

Ross and Rachel's Relationship

Overview: An on-again-off-again drama between a clumsy archaeologist and one of the most beautiful women on the planet.

The Mems: Pretending to wonder if they'd get together in the end, but always knowing that they would.

Bottom Line: The fact that Scott's Edition is making a joke about Friends might mean that this newsletter is outdated. Time to find something else to do with your Sunday.

Where's Waldo?

Answer Below

Comics Described

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.

Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for January 27, 2021

In panel 1, our good friend Pig is sitting at his desk, writing on a piece of paper. He writes, "Goals for the Week - Accomplish 3 times as much as last week."

In the next panel, he continues his productivity tracker as he writes, "Last week: Did nothing."

In the third panel, Pig does some simple math, writing, "3 x nothing = nothing."

In the final panel, he looks down at his paper and triumphantly pumps his fists. There is a massive smile on his face. He has succeeded in accomplishing his tasks for the week.

That's a real knee slapper! And I thought math couldn't actually be used in the real world!

Where's Waldo Answer: He's using a baton to silence the supporters of Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny in Moscow!

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I'm Scott, and this is Scott's Edition. Have a great start to the week!

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