Passover celebrates the Jewish people's emancipation from slavery in ancient Egypt. The Egyptian Pharaoh spent years tormenting the enslaved Jews until Moses delivered the ruler a warning from God. Like a homeless guy holding a bible and yelling at passerby in Times Square, Moses was ignored by everyone.
Like a dog whose owners recently had a baby, God did not like being ignored. He sent a total of 10 plagues to attack the Egyptians. However, the first nine didn't seem to irk the Egyptians. Let's quickly examine a few of them and how they backfired.
- Plague 1 turned water into blood. The Egyptians viewed this as a miracle, as they were able to quickly whittle down the list of everyone waiting at a hospital for a blood transfusion.
- Plague 3 sent lice down on the Egyptians. We've all seen pictures of the ancient Egyptians which show that they loved the bald hairstyle. Lice removed the need for them to shave, saving them valuable time when getting ready for work each day.
- Plague 9 shrouded the world in darkness for three days. The Egyptians were able to catch up on some much needed sleep.
As Moses watched God perform molecular transformation, control organisms, and halt the Sun, he couldn't help but wonder why God didn't simply use mind control to make Pharaoh let the Jews leave. But, like Drake, Moses trusted in God's plan.
Finally, God had had enough. Instead of killing Pharaoh and the other adults responsible for terrorizing the Jews, he decided to kill their first born children instead. It seems like something that even Thanos would think is cruel, but I guess that's Old Testament God for ya.
While the Egyptians mourned, the Jews only had a limited amount of time to escape. But they needed food for their long journey through the desert. They decided to make something quick and simple: homemade bread. They were surprised when this turned out to be complicated and time consuming. Instead of waiting for the bread to rise, they threw the unleavened dough on their backs and let it bake in the hot Egyptian desert. And thus, cardboard was invented.
The final hurdle in the Jews' journey was crossing the Red Sea as the Egyptians chased them. God's consulting team from Deloitte suggested he send the Jews boats to cross the sea in order to mitigate costs, but God decided instead to magically part the waters, creating a dry path for the Jews to use. Moses led them across and then let the waves collapse upon the Egyptian followers.
Today, Jewish men and women celebrate by abstaining from leavened bread for a week. This type of celebration is similar to how Christians celebrate Good Friday by nailing themselves to a cross for the day.
And that, my friends, is the story of Passover. Chag sameach!
