Scott's Edition 51: Another Wave

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December 19, 2021

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The Name Behind the News

December 19, 2021

Edition 51: Another Wave

John Jay got sick after writing five. James Madison wrote twenty-nine. Scott wrote Edition Fifty-One!

For those who didn't get that, it's a Hamilton reference. And yes, I realize I'm about three years late on the Hamilton fad. I'll try to stay more current as we dive into this week's news!

Weekly Stats

# of U.S. COVID cases (7-day average)

122,297, ↑ 1.5% since last week

% of U.S. population fully vaccinated

61.2%, ↑ 0.7% since last week

# of NFL players sitting out due to a positive COVID test

129

U.S. Debt Limit

$31.4 trillion, ↑ $2.5 trillion since last week

# of U.S. states with confirmed Omicron cases

As Richmond's self-proclaimed arbiter of the written word, I'm always looking for a way to make the English language more elegant. I've consulted with Hollywood writer Jordan Dumbroff to fill the void. Each week, we'll add a new, much needed word to the English language!

Vestigials

/ves-tih-juhls/

noun

A group of tasks that must be done at a certain time of day, usually at the end of the day
Routine tasks such as brushing one's teeth, washing one's face, changing into pajamas before bed

Ex: "Honey, we should have sex tonight."

"I don't think so, dear, it's not one of our vestigials. Now let me finish flossing."

Week in Review

Beijing Boycott: Two weeks ago, the U.S. announced a diplomatic boycott of the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing, China. This means that the White House will not send an official delegation to the Games, but U.S. athletes can still attend. Chinese President Xi Jinping has criticized the move and will retaliate by not letting President Biden sit next to him on the school bus.

Lace Up in the Metaverse: Nike announced it will acquire RTFKT, a company that creates virtual sneakers. Piggybacking off of this move, Dr. Scholl's announced that they will start selling digital sneaker deodorizers.

Raise the Roof: On Monday, Congress prevented a U.S. default by raising the debt ceiling. This move allows the government to borrow an additional $2.5 trillion. That's right: Congress is allowing Congress to borrow more money. Following suit, I've given my dog the entire bag of treats so he can reward himself whenever he feels he's been a good boy.

SPONSORED BY HCA HEALTHCARE

Come work for us!

We know the labor market is as competitive as it gets right now, which is why we've bumped up our employee incentives! Like kickball? We sponsor intramural teams! Planning a trip? We've got an unlimited PTO policy! Don't want to get vaccinated in an effort not to kill the patients you're trying to keep alive? We no longer require you to do so!

That's not all. In the coming months, we're rolling out even more benefits. At HCA, you'll no longer have to wash your hands prior to meeting with patients, wear gloves during surgery, or show up to work sober! Our new "no nonsense" policy even allows you to slap your patients that ask dumb questions!

What are you waiting for? Fill out a job application, take a few shots (but not the medical kind!), and come in for an interview today!

Writer's Roundtable - 2021 Finale

As everyone knows, our life choices are predetermined by a group of immortal angels. Like most of the writers in Hollywood, these angels are clearly millennials. Scott's Edition sat in on their 2021 year-end brainstorming session.

Fedora-Wearing Angel: Okay, everyone. I know our holiday break is coming up soon but we have to finish out the year strong. Our reviews have been great so far with the January 6th riot, several waves of COVID spikes, and ensuring no one believes what anyone else says. But, we have to come up with a great finale.

Fake-Glasses Angel: Agreed. Let's hit them with the worst wave of COVID yet so the cities go back to lockdowns!

Lives-With-His-Parents Angel: And we'll let rural America know they're not safe either by throwing a few tornadoes their way!

Fedora: Ah, I think I see what you're doing. Beat everyone down so that they finally band together to support each other and get vaccinated! That way, everyone has a happy Christmas holiday!

Entire Room: *Laughs uncontrollably*

Fedora: *Wipes tears from eyes.* I'm just joking, I'm just joking. We'll make half the people blame Biden for not getting enough people vaccinated and make the other half blame Biden for forcing them to get vaccinated. And they'll all blame each other for blaming Biden.

Glasses: Sounds great. Let's leave everyone with a cliff hanger for next season. Maybe we tease that Trump could be indicted and go to prison?

Fedora: Ok, fine. But this is the last time we're using that storyline. We can't keep ending years this way.

Sleeps-Until-Noon Angel: Hey, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I just finished the portion of the script about Facebook, Amazon, and Google working together to produce a carbon drawdown device that effectively ends climate change.

Fedora: Hm.... I think we're going to use the Trump indictment thing. We'll see if we have a place for that next year.

Where's Waldo

Answer below

Comics Described

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.

Frank and Ernest by Thaves for December 19, 2021

We've got a single panel cartoon today. We see a collection of planets in the background, setting our scene in the void of space. An alien spaceship looks on from the side. In the foreground, we see nine reindeer pulling Santa and two elves in a green sleigh. Santa holds the reins as he turns to tell the elves, "For centuries I've trusted my gut. Which one of you talked me into using GPS!" One elf whistles, pretending not to hear Santa. In the front of the sleigh, a machine states, "Recalculating."

What a hoot! Santa is old so doesn't trust science or technology. I think we all know who he voted for!

Where's Waldo Answer:

He's at the Mr. 001 bodybuilding competition in Mombasa, Kenya. Good luck, Waldo!

Thanks for reading!

Happy early birthday to Brandon E., Madeline H., Paige T., Amanda C., and Henry P.!

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I'm Scott, and this is Scott's Edition. Have a great start to the week!

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