Scott's Edition 52: Celebration Concoctions

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December 26, 2021

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The Name Behind the News

December 26, 2021

Edition 52: Celebration Concoctions

Wake up, Jake Paul! It's Boxing Day. Actually, Boxing Day has nothing to do with the sport of Boxing. Instead, the holiday dates all the way back to July 5, 1994. On that date, Jeff Bezos discovered he could fold up cardboard to create a six-sided packaging device that he called a "box." And thus, Amazon was born.

With that little history lesson, let's dive into this week's news!

Weekly Stats

# of U.S. COVID cases (7-day average)

176,097, ↑ 43% since last week (Data as of 12/22/2021)

% of U.S. population fully vaccinated

61.6%, ↑ 0.4% since last week

# of NFL players sitting out due to a positive COVID test

213, ↑ 84 since last week (12% of the league)

# of people wearing matching pajamas

Everyone you follow on Instagram

# of chimneys visited by Santa

395,830,485

As Richmond's self-proclaimed arbiter of the written word, I'm always looking for a way to make the English language more elegant. I've consulted with Hollywood writer Jordan Dumbroff to fill the void. Each week, we'll add a new, much needed word to the English language!

Hopeshadowing

/hope-shaed-oh-ing/

verb

When re-watching a movie or show, the hope that the characters make a different decision than the one you know they are going to make.
As it relates to cinema, the feeling of hoping for a different outcome even though you already know what the outcome will be.

Ex: I hopeshadowed that Buddy would treat Peter Dinklage's character with respect and dignity during their meeting. Instead, Buddy called him an "angry elf." I finished watching the movie for the hundredth time and went to bed.

Week in Review

The Other Joe: The Democrats' $2 trillion infrastructure spending plan may have suffered its final blow on Monday as West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin explained he won't be voting for it. Manchin stated, "I've tried everything humanly possible. I just can't get there." It's ironic that the roads are so bad in West Virginia that he can't get to DC to vote for a bill that would improve his roads.

Merry Trumpmas: Asked about Covid vaccines in an interview this week, former President Trump stated, "If you take the vaccine, you are protected." "What's next?!" stated one conservative 7 year old, "Are we going to find out that Santa isn't real?!?"

Updates: This week Microsoft announced that KN95 masks are no longer sufficient in preventing the spread of Covid-19. The company announced they will update all of their employee's masks to KN-Vista.*

*Thanks for writing that joke, Jason!

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Get rewarded today!

Fans of the Sapphire Reserve Visa card will rejoice at Chase's newest credit card: the Diamond Platinum Reserve. With an annual fee of $600, this card includes all of the benefits of the original Reserve card, plus a few more! Additional benefits include:

Earn 80,000 miles after spending $5,000 in the first three months.
Earn 10x points on grocery shopping at Trader Joe's, Aldi, and Whole Foods.
$350 reimbursement on all food items purchased at Chuck E. Cheese in the first 90 days of each calendar year.
$50 reimbursement on all alcohol purchased for Jamie Dimon's New Year's Eve Extravaganza, provided you attend.
$100 reimbursement on all air travel if you can convince the pilot to curse over the loudspeaker.
Earn 5x points on all entertainment purchases, as long as said entertainment is purchased for Jamie Dimon's New Year's Eve Extravaganza.
Please come to my New Year's Eve Extravaganza.
Seriously, it's going to be a lot fun.
Okay, it might not be that great, but I'd still really like you to attend.
4x points on all gas purchases.

Holiday Drinking

Not sure what drink to mix to celebrate Boxing Day? Want to impress your friends with a clever New Year's Eve shot? Scott's Edition has you covered. Check out our list of holiday must-drink recipes!

The Grinch Goblet

1 oz. lemon-lime margarita mix, 3 c. water, 2 oz. vodka, and a splash of ginger ale makes this green drink the talk of the Christmas party. Serve with limes!

The Whiskey Gingerbread House

2 oz. whiskey, 5 oz. ginger ale, 1 lime wheel, 5 hours of frustration spent with your whining 8 year old cousin, 30 minutes of cleaning up frosting and smashed graham crackers. Gently mix with a long spoon and serve over ice!

The Vodka CranMerry

1 handle of vodka and draw the curtains. The perfect way to spend the days between Christmas and New Year while your extended family is nowhere to be found.

The Lemon Ball Drop

2 oz. vodka, 1/2 oz. triple sec, 1 oz. lemon juice, 1 oz. simple syrup. This is the perfect drink to celebrate your son finally becoming a man!

The White Not Russian

Mix 2 oz. rum, 2 oz. vodka, and pour into an empty water bottle. This drink is sure to make you smile during your January 6th Remembrance Celebration this year!

Happy Holidays from The Levines

Bruce (Scott's Dad) = Ted Lasso

Kim (Scott's Mom) = Rebecca Welton

Jason (Scott's Brother) = Coach Beard

Scott (Scott) = Roy Kent

Comics Described

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.

Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for December 24, 2021

In the first panel, Goat watches TV as Pig heads out the door carrying an empty bowl. Pig happily exclaims, "Well, I'm off to get some broth at a place Rat told me about."

Goat replies, "Have Fun."

In the second panel, Goat continues to watch TV. This proves to the reader that time is passing.

In the third panel, Pig returns with his bowl still empty. He looks sad as he tells Goat, "Turns out that's not what brothels sell."

Ha HA! Another situation based on a Pig misunderstanding. Classic!

Thanks for reading, and Happy Holidays!

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